Never Enough

I left her place with a good feeling. We have reconciled, were back together after the relationship pause, have been able to discuss relationship matters without fighting. I continued the online therapy sessions at my Ex’s place and received some guidance on self-control and anger management. My Ex’s health and mood was much better and thus my mood was better, too. I was relieved that we had overcome our relationship crisis and we had our Italy vacation coming up in a few days. The outlook was good and our relationship was ready to move forward to another stage.

The next stage of a narcissistic relationship, after idealization and devaluation, is discard. The day after I left her place, my Ex said that she has been ruminating about our relationship and stated some doubts. I went on a multi-day work trip. The plan was that I return from the work trip straight to my Ex’s place and then we travel together to Italy for our vacation. While I was at work meetings, her relationship doubts turned into grave accusations about my intentions. Her messages suggested that a breakup was imminent. I tried to call her, but she didn’t want to speak with me anymore. She discarded me, three days after we had reconciled.

We talked when I arrived from my work trip at her place. I had one big question: what happened? She said that she regretted getting back together, because she broke her plan of pausing the relationship until she finishes her exam. She asked me: “can you promise me that…?” I don’t remember what she asked for. I replied: “no, I’m done with the promises.” For the first time, I considered that it might be better to separate. I had a glimmer of hope after weeks of emotional torture, only to be crushed shortly afterwards. I couldn’t handle this anymore.

“Watch your tone,” she warned me, as I complained about her behavior. “I’m hurt here, too,” I replied. I was fed up that the whole relationship crisis revolved solely around her feelings. How does she think I feel at this point? She substantiated the breakup by repeating accusations about me and questioning my intentions. I replied: “After half a year, you have no idea of who I am as a person.”

Why did she break up with me, after we had reconciled? I believe to have found the answer in a book by Debbie Mirza:

The stronger you become, the less they can control and manipulate you. When this happens, they no longer need you. You are no longer supplying them. This is when you feel their rage more than ever.
—Debbie Mirza¹

My Ex realized that she cannot control me to her liking. If she attempts to, I might defend myself, which she cannot withstand.

When we were brushing teeth at night, I remembered that she had told me that about one of her ex-boyfriends, who complained that his effort wasn’t enough for her. I asked which of her ex-boyfriends had said that. Both, she gestured me with her hand. “Add me to that list,” I said.

You act with best intentions and to the best of your ability, you compromise, you adapt, you give the benefit of the doubt, you try again, you exhaust yourself, you go to your limits and beyond. The bottom line is: no matter how hard you try, for the narcissist, it’s never enough.