Never Enough

At some point in our relationship, my Ex introduced the title of man of the house to me. As an egalitarian person, I didn’t really get it. She had made clear before that she expects me to participate in family chores, thus it didn’t make sense according to her family model either. After I kept asking about it, she explained that it’s a representative title for my self-worth. That actually made sense: she wants to remain in control of the house, but grants me a representative title to keep the illusion that I have a say. It also gives her the freedom to shift responsibility or blame onto the man of the house.

While I was staying at her place and after she started feeling better, the mood loosened up. We discussed our expectations for our family roles. It was a follow-up of the income discussion, but without fighting. My Ex stated that she expects me to contribute at least 50% of house and family work. I argued that she also expects me to be the breadwinner of the family, i.e., to pay for all major expenses. It’s an unfair division when I have to cover 100% of the finances and still do 50% of chores in addition of that.

My interpretation was that my Ex insisted on egalitarian positions when it benefitted her, i.e., sharing the workload of what would be considered the sole responsibility of the wife in the traditional family model. On the other hand, however, she wasn’t willing to give up her privilege of the traditional family model, in which the wife is free from contributing financially. At the same time, she reserved the right to go to work and use her income completely at her disposal.

My Ex threw in the viewpoint of the Islamic world, in which the wife is supposed to be treated like a queen at home. The queen of the house does not need to work a job to bring in money and if the husband’s income allows it, she will get a maid who will take care of house chores. It was a lame argument: my Ex wasn’t practicing Islam and she certainly didn’t want to adopt the responsibilities of the wife’s role that she just described. She cherry-picked the privileges of contradicting family models that benefitted her the most. Her narcissistic mode of thinking was: I deserve to be spoiled, to get what I want, and I am entitled to give back as little as I can get away with.

I insisted on a fair distribution and didn’t let go of the topic. She finally agreed to what I have thought would be completely obvious for a liberal couple: both partners contribute half of the overall burden, which includes income, house chores, and parenting. If one partner contributes more in one area, the other partner compensates by contributing more in another area. At the end of the discussion, she hit me symbolically with a kitchen towel, because nailing her down upset her mildly. However, we had finally come to an agreement.