Never Enough

One week after the yelling incident, my Ex went back to her place. We were still regularly in touch, but it was tense between us. My Ex pointed out that she wants to feel safe in a relationship and not walk on eggshells around me. However, I felt like I would need to walk on eggshells instead. Putting my anger outbreak aside, little things upset her, which she judged as controlling or abusive. I was looking for harmony in a relationship, but it seemed that we couldn’t both be just ourselves and still feel safe. She said that she would rather be alone than feeling unsafe, whereas I was clinging to our relationship. To make it work, I needed tips on anger management from my therapist urgently.

The constant accusations eroded my self-esteem and increased my anxiety about losing my Ex. It was irritating, but I couldn’t defend myself without being accused of aggression. I had to bear it, took it all in, and became helpless. I accepted this suffering as my punishment for yelling at her.

My Ex suffered herself as well. She told me that she cried and fell physically ill. When she told me, I drove immediately to her place to look after her and to find a doctor’s office that accepts new patients. I stayed for a couple of days until I needed to leave for a work appointment. Meanwhile, my Ex’s health and mood improved. On the third day at her place, we kissed for the first time since the yelling incident. After two or three weeks of emotional torture, I felt reconciliation and intimacy. My Ex said that it looks like we’re back together in our relationship.