Never Enough

After arriving back home from my trip, I found a letter from my Ex in my mailbox. It was a love letter, but restrainedly worded, reflecting her wariness and aloofness that she had demonstrated in our relationship. She spoke about disappointments in her past and lowered hopes, but also about being happy to give us a try and to bear with her. I cried when I read the letter. I realized that she is trying her best, and so should I.

I decided not to exercise the argumentative approach from the solo trip and instead wanted to talk with her on the phone about what has been bothering me. I tried to tell her that I felt treated unfairly in the income discussion, but I didn’t find the right angle to express it to the point and without being confrontational. At that time, I didn’t know the concept of nonviolent communication, and I had little experience in identifying or expressing my emotions. My Ex stopped me before I could get anywhere, because the discussion upset her. She introduced a new relationship demand of not speaking about serious topics until she has finished an important exam in a few weeks, because she loses focus about the exam when being upset.

At that time I was recovering from COVID-19, which I must have contracted on the way back from my solo trip. After the flu-like symptoms were gone, the illness still took its toll on my mental health. I had trouble concentrating and felt distressed. I cried the next day after the unsuccessful talk with my Ex.