Never Enough

My Ex studied for a couple of weeks at my place, then we went back together to her place. I was on my way on a solo trip that I had planned before we met. We also planned a vacation in Italy together, but we’ll get to that later.

During my solo trip, I had a lot of time to think. I thought about situations that have been painful to me during our relationship: the cinema incident, the income fight, and the cultural rants. I had felt offended and disrespected in these incidents, which caused unresolved hurt that I carried over. I repeated the situations in my mind, ruminating how I could have reacted in order to prevent the hurt. What if I had shown protest behavior instead of enduring the painful situation? Would she have stopped hurting me? Would I have gotten satisfaction that would have dissolved the emotional pain?

Relationship doubts came up and caused cognitive dissonance. I still wanted the relationship, the positive parts of it, but I didn’t want to get hurt. It felt like she treated me wrong. Why should I do therapy if she’s getting angry all the time? I came up with two insights:

1. I don’t want to be a punching bag.
2. She is a quarrelsome person.

I searched the Bible and found these two verses in the Book of Proverbs:

9: Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
21: Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
—Book of Proverbs, Chapter 21

I’m not religious myself and don’t consult the Bible for guidance in my life. This was my misguided attempt to find justification for a sentiment that I was feeling. I chose the Bible, because my Ex had cited the Bible before and thus she considers it as a legitimate resource of wisdom. I had found justification that I do not have to put up with what I considered to be an unfair treatment. I decided to stand my ground.

Another issue was that I felt like she is trying to Italianize me. I had a desire for being understood and being accepted for who I am as a person, which wasn’t fulfilled sufficiently. I thought about protest strategies. If she complains about Northern European culture, I could counter and tease her with stereotypes of Mediterranean culture. Our upcoming Italy vacation would give me plenty of opportunity to point out discrepancies in her romanticized concept of the Mediterranean.

Let me be clear that my approach has been completely wrong. I am reciting my thought process, not advocating for it. The above strategy would only lead to a deeper entrenchment of conflict, not resolve it. Today, I recommend the use of nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg.¹ A fair question is whether that works with a narcissist–but even if does not, at least you will have certainty that you have given a wholehearted, bona fide attempt in cherishing a relationship with a loved one. If this is not enough, so be it. You will separate with your head held high.