Never Enough

My Ex’s reasoning often included moralistic arguments, but only if it supported what she wanted or planned on doing. One time, her ex-boyfriend tried to reach out to her and she consulted my opinion about whether she should establish contact. I stated my opinion that there is nothing to gain, but that it is up to her. She argued that she doesn’t leave people behind. With her colleague, she had used the moral rationale of helping people when they ask for help. When I tried to reach out to her a few of months after our breakup, asking her politely for the favor to talk about my feelings–I was depressed at that time,–she blocked me.

Arguing with morality serves multiple purposes: 1) it justifies a preexisting opinion, 2) hides any base motive, e.g., opportunism, 3) beats less noble arguments, and 4) elevates the person who uses it as morally bright. Another time, she argued that members of church communities are altruistic, unlike friends who expect something in return. She used it as an argument why she feels obligated to go to church service after a member from that church community had done her a favor. I didn’t notice the irony of it until some time later.

Another use of moralistic or idealistic arguments was to argue how a man or husband should be to convince me of something she wants. I didn’t see her arguing with morality how a woman or wife should be to convince herself of something that she isn’t keen of. As far as I remember, I myself didn’t use this argumentation technique on her. Apart from being persuasive, such an argument serves another purpose: it conceals her personal desires under an overlaying morality. My Ex didn’t like to ask me for something directly, because she didn’t want to appear begging.¹ When we started dating, she got mildly upset when I was inattentive about her visiting the doctor–she told me that she felt like she has to beg for my attention to tell me about it. This might be a cultural or individual habit that induces shame when she shows her desires or falls burden to someone. From a narcissistic viewpoint, it may be seen as entitlement: why should she beg for something that she clearly deserves?