Never Enough

After a couple of days at home, my Ex told me over the phone that she wasn’t making much progress with studying. For a change of environment, she suggested to come over and study at my place. I was delighted to hear her suggestion, but after she had been firm of not meeting more than once a month, I stated a reservation: She might not make as much progress at my place either, because I might distract her. I wanted to safeguard myself from becoming the scapegoat for stalling her progress. Instead of reassurance, I got a complaint: a boyfriend should be welcoming her girlfriend if she offers to spend time with him. Note the self-centered entitlement in her demand: she didn’t say that she would like to spend time with me; instead she demanded that I should be happy to spend time with her. Indeed I was happy, not just to spend time with her, but also because she retracted from the distancing that occurred a couple of days prior. Therefore I didn’t argue and overlooked the inconsistency of her changed demands.

I had noticed inconsistencies in her words and actions before, for example regarding her cooking demands. When I pointed out an inconsistency once, adding that I have a quite good memory, she replied: “don’t use it on people.” As I value dependability, her statement confused me. Is it wrong to remind people of their statements and assertions? Another time, I paraphrased an observed inconsistency as that she appeared to me as undecided about her opinion, to which she replied that she was in a thought process.

Granted, needs and opinions change over time. What is remarkable, however, is how firmly she defended her position, even if that position had recently changed. I seldom heard an insight about being wrong and adapting a position. The usual stance that I sensed was: she was right at that time, and she is right now–even if the two positions contradict each other. It was not just her words and actions that didn’t align. Given enough time, her words didn’t even align with her own words. After our income conflict, she questioned why we were even discussing income in our relationship and demanded not to speak about this topic anymore. Later, she demanded that we must discuss income before progressing in our relationship. In this instance, she acknowledged that she had changed her mind.