Never Enough

My Ex came up with the idea that each of us formulates five relationship demands addressed to each other. I welcomed this excellent idea and came up quickly with mine:

1. Be fair
2. Be consistent
3. Vocalize your desires
4. Have realistic expectations
5. Grant me the same freedom that you expect for yourself

At that point in our relationship, I had internalized that criticism can trigger an unexpectedly intense emotional response. The demands gave me the opportunity to turn criticism into a constructive request. Furthermore, by formulating universal demands, I wouldn’t need to follow up on unresolved issues from past conflicts. When I presented the demands to her, she reacted unaware: “am I not fair?” I wouldn’t dare to mention specific examples. I was satisfied with presenting the general idea that I’m having this feeling at times, hoping that it induces a thought process, and being able to reference it at future occasions.

My demand #1 was motivated by the feeling of being treated unfair at times, for example in the cinema incident or the income discussion. My demand #2 refers to statements of her that appeared inconsistent to me, for example in relation to her expectations of me or the rationale of her behavior. My demand #3 refers to complaints about unmet needs on her side, which I was clueless about before she started complaining. I believed this could be solved easily with open communication. My demand #4 refers to some of her stated expectations that I found hyperbolic, e.g., saving a fortune for an expensive health treatment abroad in the income discussion. My demand #5 was a more specific demand for fairness, motivated by the feeling that I’m held to a double standard that does not apply to her, for example about expressing anger.

Her demands were as follows:

1. Use my name more often
2. Be kind when you are angry
3. Consider my will, don’t assume it
4. Be mentally present (as much as you can)
5. Counterargue ½ of the time & please not all the time

Her demand #1 may be considered typically narcissistic, but I consider it harmless. Maybe she just values being addressed with her name as an expression of appreciation. Her demand #2 was motivated by being threatened when she senses my anger. I found this was a fair demand, because it does not deny me being angry as stated earlier, just to be considerate of her. Her demand #3 refers to me making assumptions about what she might enjoy, but without considering her will sufficiently. It matches my demand #3 in the sense that it could be easily solved with open communication. For her demand #4 she gave an example of me not paying attention when we watched a movie together. One might construe this as narcissistic demand for attention, but I find it reasonable out of respect for the partner. I believe, however, that she didn’t always comply with this demand herself. Her demand #5 might be interpreted to be more submissive to her control. However, it is a resonable demand considering that my friends perceive me as stubborn at times when I advocate for my opinion.

Overall, I found her relationship demands appropriate. We both had put some thought into it with a calm mind. When she had time to reflect, she was usually considerate of me and my needs; her narcissistic personality came through when she acted on impulse. Narcissists are said to be master manipulators, but this poses a distorted picture about the intentions of a vulnerable narcissist. Dr. Ramani explains it as follows:

Narcissistic people don’t necessarily set out to do bad things. They’re not psychopaths. They’re not malignant, [not] all of them in that way. A lot of them do the wrong thing, because they don’t think. They’re just self-serving. They impulsively do the thing that feels right in the moment, […]
—Dr. Ramani¹

My Ex wasn’t following a playbook; she reacted to neurotic emotions and resorted to toxic behaviors to prevent or cope with pain that is deeply entangled in her psyche.