Never Enough

My Ex described herself as loving, yet hard to warm. She meant that she is caring, mindful and considerate when meeting people, but needs a long time to form an intimate relationship. This is the epitome of an avoidant attachment style. Dr. Grande draws the following connection between vulnerable narcissism and avoidant attachment:

She [the vulnerable narcissist] says, she wants a relationship that is deep and meaningful, and she blames the husband for not providing that relationship, [thus] missing the idea that it takes two people to form a positive relationship. It’s interesting here, because even though the wife is saying this, she’s also demonstrating a tendency to devalue the need to have close relationships with other people. Her behavior points in one direction and her words point in another. This isn’t uncommon with vulnerable narcissism. One can make the argument here [that] this emotionally distant sign is essentially one version of an avoidant attachment style and the research actually supports this fairly strongly. […] Ironically, the wife with vulnerable narcissism will not let herself be vulnerable.
—Dr. Grande¹

Throughout our relationship, my Ex asked for affirmation and reassurance from me, but put emphasis to keep herself emotionally at distance. She spoke about being wary about letting her guard down. If I referred to how our relationship is thriving, she put in another perspective that downplayed our bond. One time she said: “If I had to choose between you and my profession, I would choose my profession.” Maintaining her independence was more important than anything else in our relationship.

Another time, she referred to a movie plot, in which a man is chasing the love of a woman for years, while she keeps him dangling at a distance. My Ex idealized this as true love. Note how this ideal comprises the needs of a narcissistic personality with an avoidant attachment style: the man supplies the woman with attention and admiration, while she avoids the danger of intimacy with him. There is no requital and no room for the needs of the man in this ideal.

I interpreted her wariness as an indication of a fragile and vulnerable soul, who needs extra care and consideration. I wished that she would be more appreciative of our relationship, but I respected that she needed her time and I didn’t push her. As she grew more accustomed to us being together, she threw in words of love that kept me motivated. She was showing an effort and I believed that we were both giving to the best of our ability.

When I dampened my enthusiasm on rare occasions, she saw it as a red flag for a lack of commitment. There was a disparity, in which I was the one to make promises, while she hinted that she would leave, if she didn’t feel comfortable in the relationship. From a narcissistic perspective, she made sure that she remains in control and that she gets what she needs.