Never Enough

Sweet Month ended with another conflict. If I recall correctly, my Ex and I discussed when to meet again, now that she would go home after the internship was over. She needed time to study for an important exam and suggested to meet once a month for a date weekend. I would’ve preferred to meet every two weeks, but I was considerate of her needs and willing to wait, if necessary. However, I remarked that our relationship won’t progress much if we’re not seeing each other, which might affect our marriage plan that we have roughly agreed on.

She asked me for reassurance about different scenarios: what if she’s unable to secure a career in her profession in Germany? I said that she could switch the career path and work in another job. What if she wants to go back to her home country? I said that this would be a difficult situation that we would need to discuss. What if we can’t move in together in the near future due to circumstances in her career? I said that this would prolong our marriage plan, as moving in together was my precondition before marriage.

She wasn’t satisfied with my answers and got upset. I anticipated that she would herself suggest to postpone marriage, if circumstances weren’t suitable. However, she didn’t allow me to suggest it. The more often she asked for reassurance, the more I had to give in. In a relationship with a narcissist, you keep on giving and giving. Your former boundaries slowly move. If you don’t give in, you risk being punished. The narcissist feels entitled to get what they want. Their will is more important than their partner’s will.

My Ex got up early and packed her stuff in a rush. I got the impression that she wanted to demonstrate to me and to herself that she doesn’t depend on me. Speaking from attachment theory, it was an emotional distancing strategy of an avoidant attachment style. I decided to stay kind and patient in the hope that this changes her mood, even though her distancing behavior hurt me. I drove her home and stayed overnight at her place. Her mood had lightened up once we arrived. When we spoke on the phone a few days later, I suggested that we compromise by trying to move in together before marriage at the best of our capacity, but whether this works out will depend on the circumstances. I had given up on my precondition, but came up with an illusion of a compromise to avoid cognitive dissonance after self-surrender.