Never Enough

It became clear that my Ex and I had the same need for financial security, but different ideas on how to reach it. She argued that whenever you have an opportunity to make money, you should take it, because you don’t know when you might need the money. I argued not to work until you collapse, but to balance work and life. She argued that you should put half of your income into savings, because you might, for example, need to pay for an expensive health treatment abroad for your child. I argued that saving a quarter of income is enough and that we have health insurance to cover medical treatment. She dismissed my idea of relying on public health care as “mediocre culture” and insisted on paying privately for the best possible treatment of severe illnesses.

I believed that our different views originated from being in different life situations: she had just moved to another country and was in the process of establishing stability in her life, while I had reached occupational and financial stability in my life. She argued to invest more into financial security, because she was farther away from that goal than I was. However, her argumentation also demonstrated a sense of entitlement: she wants the best treatment that money can buy for her child, not public health care of the common people.

A few days later, the topic came up again while we had been in the car. My Ex tried to convince me that I’m not saving enough of my income. I felt a sense of discomfort as the discussion was unfolding and stated in a distinct tone: “I’m perfectly capable of handling my finances on my own. Thank you, I do not need your advice.” She got angry and immediately punished me with silent treatment. Her anger response made me feel bad for stopping her this abruptly. On the other hand, it felt right to not give way to her about how I spend my money. As we were talking about the present and not about a future family scenario, her involvement felt invasive.

Later, I asked her why she wanted to discuss my income, when she made clear that her income is off-limits. She explained that she was attempting to help me, so that I don’t feel insecure about my income and don’t need to rely on her’s. She justified her involvement by an example, in which she encouraged her younger sibling to improve on a skill until the sibling has become as good as my Ex–who just wants to help others. Let’s peel off the layers of such a sophisticated gaslighting move:

1. She punishes me for enforcing my boundary with silent treatment.
2. She justifies the double standard of violating a boundary on my side that she vigorously defended on her side.
3. She projects her insecurity due to her current financial situation onto me. She suggests that I’m insecure about my income.
4. She accuses me that I’m after her future money.
5. She hides her attempt to control me behind a noble motive.
6. She devaluates me by comparing me to someone who is junior to her, i.e., less experienced.
7. She insinuates that she’s better at managing finances than I am.

Her statement stung me, but I didn’t grasp how condescending it was until days later. Once I realized, I got angry, but decided to avoid prolonging our fight. At that point, I thought that she had been unfair, but it took me until now to shift my perspective to see in clarity what it actually was: psychological manipulation. Successful manipulation affects your psyche without you noticing it. You might feel it intuitively, but you have been conditioned to not trust your intuition. Her objective was to inflate her ego while degrading mine and to get leverage to control me.

Suppressing my anger lead to a growing resentment and ultimately contributed to our breakup. The healthy way would have been to identify my unmet needs behind the anger and to communicate them to my partner. In a healthy relationship, however, your partner does not gaslight you. I would follow up later on the income topic, though.