Never Enough

Part of the reassurance that my Ex asked me for was my willingness to do family chores: will I clean the house? Will I bring the child to the doctor if it gets ill? Will I help in the kitchen? I explained my idea of relationship to her, in which both partners are equal peers and share the responsibilities according to individual strengths and weaknesses.

One morning in the car, I jokingly referred to how much we will be able to afford when my Ex is thriving in her career. When she asked irritated whether I’m joking, I said yes, but I also stated the expectation that we would both contribute our incomes to our future family. She got angry and accused me of wanting to exploit her for her money. I was caught off-guard.

Is she not intending to contribute her income to the family? She stated the expectation that the man is the breadwinner of the family. Whether she spends part of her income on the family, is up to her. If she does, she expects me to contribute at least the same amount. What if I’m incapable of making money, say, due to illness? She would be willing to cover for me, but only if it’s temporary. What if I was working in a job that paid significantly less, say, half of her income? She wouldn’t date me in such a case.

In the course of the argument I stated my opinion that our two full incomes will be enough to live a comfortable life. We could even reduce the working hours slightly for the sake of work-life balance, which I already have considered for myself before we dated. She confronted me with the accusation that I would then cut my working hours in half to live off her income and accused me of not wanting to pay for anything. I had the urge to defend myself and pointed out that, in fact, I am already spending on her by inviting her to live at my place for free and by paying for the gas of the morning commute. This enraged her even more. When I dropped her off at work, she went to the bathroom to cry and missed a group meeting–which she would blame me for, because I upset her. I got angry about the unfair accusations of my motives, cried myself, and checked the availability of accommodations for her while I was sulking at work.

Neither of us has been cheap during our relationship–we both spent money on each other. The whole argument seemed absurd to me. My mode of thinking was: we both want the best for each other and are willing to contribute to the best of our capacity. My expectation that she contributes her income equally as I do triggered her fear of exploitation. Her mode of thinking was: everyone is looking for their advantage, but claims otherwise; I have to be wary. Pointing out that I’m already spending on her posed a threat to her, because this could be construed that she owes me. It triggered her fear of being controlled. For me, it was evidence of being generous to her and not materialistically motivated. My motivation was to earn her love and affection.

When we had calmed down and talked about the fight, my Ex said that it’s better in Italy–obviously,–because Italian men insist on paying for women, e.g., in the restaurant, but don’t talk about it. In the car the next day, my Ex teased me by suggesting that we should keep an account of favors for each other and write an invoice at the end of the month.