Never Enough

Vulnerable narcissists are heavily judgemental, because they have a tendency to take everything personally. Dr. Grande explains:

The wife [with vulnerable narcissism] is unable to separate opinions, ideas, thoughts, facial expressions, and many other activities from herself as a person. For the vulnerable narcissist, everything is taken personally, because there is no other way to process stimuli. The self-centeredness and the hypervigilance to insults routes everything through the wife’s ego. She internalizes disagreement from others. For example, if anyone has a different opinion than what the wife has, that person is automatically labeled as foolish or bad. The wife doesn’t criticize ideas, she criticizes people and attacks with such passion, because from her point of view, she is defending herself. When somebody is defending their ego, that’s a major deal to them. The ego has to be protected, those defenses have to be maintained. It’s not something the person can just let go.
—Dr. Grande¹

Judging someone as aggressive was my Ex’s number one complaint to express her dissatisfaction about an interaction with a person. One time, she told me an anecdote about when she traveled with loved ones to a European country. Her relative opened the fridge in a shop, but couldn’t decide about which item to pick. Some guy stepped in and closed the fridge door in front of the relative to save energy. While reciting the anecdote, my Ex was amused first, but then got upset and started ranting: “He was aggressive. Northern European culture is aggressive.” What started as amusing anecdote about a minor inconvenience, turned personal and ended as a judgement about alleged cultural flaws. Northern European culture was her projection surface that she used to discharge unpleasant emotions onto.

I didn’t understand that this was a projection of her inner self and took her cultural rants by word at that time. The recurring criticism had an effect on me, even after she stopped criticizing me directly. My culture is part of my extended identity. I felt judged and devaluated by proxy. When I pointed out an Italian neighbor of mine, who is a grumpy old man, she insinuated that he lived in Germany for too long. When I compared whether the Italian Mafia isn’t more of a sign for an aggressive culture than a guy who closes the fridge door in front of someone, her response was: “no, it’s not.” Discussions about this topic were pointless. Rational arguments meaningless. She had created a belief system and used it as a projection tool for her emotional regulation.

My Ex chose the Mediterranean, specifically Italy, as her cultural identity anchor, because she wasn’t happy in her home country. Her ideal of a sympathetic culture was tailored around her vulnerabilities. Her personal experience in Italy years ago gave her positive affirmations that the ideal is real. My Ex said: “People in the Mediterranean may steal from you, but they would never hurt you.” She got hurt in her childhood and was longing for a safe haven. My Ex said: “People are more relaxed in the Mediterranean.” She was hypersensitive to stress in her environment, as this was a danger stimulus in her childhood. In the egocentric view of a narcissistic personality, the culture around her had to adapt to her needs of security. If the culture didn’t, it was to blame and she judged the culture as aggressive.

Why did she come to Germany, if she prefers Italy? I remember asking her this question on two different occasions. She answered both times that she chose Germany, because she wants to work in her profession and chances for that are slim in Italy due to economic and demographic conditions. It made sense, but again, I would learn a vital piece of information only indirectly at around the time of our breakup: she actually did attempt to work in her profession in Italy–twice–but didn’t pass the required exam. Narcissists don’t admit failures. They internalize hurt feelings, grow bitter and resentful. She told me later that she would love to live in Italy for two years or so, if an opportunity came up. It was an unfulfilled desire.