Never Enough

When we started dating and I stated my concern about cultural differences between us, my Ex replied not to see them as a risk, but to embrace cultural differences. In reality throughout our relationship, my Ex would be judgemental of cultural differences. Her common phrase was: “Northern European culture is aggressive.” She actually meant Central and Western Europe, but I’ll continue to use her wording in the following.

At the beginning of our relationship, we watched movies together about Italian and Greek culture. Her point was to show me that people in the Mediterranean are kind, caring, and sympathetic. She argued that people in Germany should be more friendly and more trusting. I responded that she cannot move to a country and expect its culture to change, and that every culture has its merits and flaws. Her argument was that we can pick the best parts of Mediterranean culture and adopt them.

Once my Ex realized what flaws I have, e.g., getting stressed over cooking, she started to criticize me for my culture. She said that people are more relaxed in the Mediterranean. When she saw that I value privacy and solitude as an introvert, she argued that in the Mediterranean, people are social and caring. She would come up with the topic in the most undesirable situations, e.g., when we had a couple’s picnic, and argue how cultural characteristics, or a lack thereof, influence the individual. It was annoying me, because I felt judged for who I am as a person.

Shortly after that, she admitted that it was a mistake to criticize me for cultural flaws. She would continue to complain about her concept of Northern European culture, but either in abstract form or referring to third parties. I argued that when she has an unpleasant experience with some person in Germany or elsewhere, maybe that individual is just a nasty person. For her, it was evidence of a defective culture.

To cope with the culture shock, my Ex reminisced about a stay in Italy years ago, where she had done an internship, and how people have been nice to her. She had a passion for Italy and when faced with a choice, e.g., regarding food or clothes, she preferred the Italian option. When she had a pleasant experience, e.g., seeing a nice place, she typically said: “this reminds me of Italy.”

When I stated the observation that she complains a lot about Germany, she replied: “am I not allowed to complain?” This silenced me. Another time she replied that she wasn’t complaining about Germany, she was talking about another country that she used to live in. This confused me, because it seemed to me that she criticized Germany in that moment, but her mind was actually in the past. She had been studying in said country a few years ago and told me that it was a horrible experience. I could relate to her anecdotes of troubles and inconveniences, though I didn’t see the connection as to why the culture is at fault. I would learn an important piece of information only after our breakup: she had been bullied at the university in said country. Knowing this, her judgement of Northern European culture as aggressive makes sense from a completely different view that has actually nothing to do with the culture itself: she was projecting her personal hurt from the bullying and other troubles onto the culture.