Never Enough

During Sweet Month, my Ex was usually busy with either work or study. I asked her for one date per week, as I had the desire to do more activities with her. We agreed to go to the cinema one day, to which I was very much looking forward to. On the way there, I showed her a couple of landmarks. She hated them. In the city, we went for a walk. She didn’t like what she saw. She literally commented on a representative building that its orange yellow color looks like vomit. I didn’t like her dismissiveness, but I brushed it off and went on. We went to the cinema while holding hands and watched the movie. After the movie, I suggested we grab some food from a grill bar, which we did and went home to eat.

At home we talked about the movie; I liked it–she hated it. She found it racist that some of the voice actors (foreign movies are usually dubbed in Germany) were speaking German but imitated a foreign accent. The atmosphere was uneasy, but I continued trying my best. This far, my Ex has emitted nothing but negativity. She made a positive comment about the music in the movie, so I put on the movie soundtrack while we were eating.

At some point, she started a rampage about how terrible the evening was. She complained that I didn’t hold her hand while we left the cinema–whereas she hadn’t made any indication that she wanted to hold hands. She complained that I’m pushing her into processed food against her will, because I suggested takeaway food like I often do. She complained that I put on the wrong music–she actually meant, but didn’t mention, some music that wasn’t part of the soundtrack album. She complained that while we had been eating, she was afraid to ask me whether I want her salad, because she was afraid of how I would react. She was referring to the cooking incident and implied that if her fear of abuse is triggered, then this is because I have an anger problem. I wasn’t angry at all in this situation, but was faced with the accusation of being close to getting angry. However, I was irritated from her repelling behavior.

Finally, she admitted that she didn’t want to go to the cinema in the first place. Attentive readers may have sensed this sentiment already. She didn’t mention it before, because she was afraid of how I would react if she had canceled. Again, she insinuated being the victim of my alleged aggression. I explained to her that I would not have been angry if she canceled, however, I would have been disappointed, because I was looking forward to a couple’s activity together with her. She didn’t accept this answer. If she gets tired and wants to change plans, I have no right to be disappointed. She took back her complaint about putting on the wrong music, but otherwise insisted that I should put her needs as my priority.

In retrospect, the whole experience was a narcissistic tantrum. She was using whatever she could find in the narcissist’s toolbox against me:

1. She discharged her emotional dissatisfaction by projecting it onto external circumstances.
2. She blamed me for the circumstances.
3. She punished me by making the whole experience miserable for me.
4. I presume she wanted to elicit an emotional response from me, because then she could blame me for being abusive, i.e., she could shift the blame for her emotional dissatisfaction onto my bad behavior.
5. As this didn’t work, she constructed an argument of me being abusive based on how I made her allegedly feel simply by being there.

At the end, she admitted what this was all about: she wanted to control me to invalidate my needs and satisfy her needs. This day had a long-lasting effect on me. The ongoing complaining and blaming felt like being poked repeatedly and left a microtrauma. I was displeased, but I wasn’t able to identify my emotions. Speaking from today, I was hurt, because my effort was minimized and my needs have been invalidated, which felt like being rejected. The experience of that day would play a significant role in our breakup.

The day after, she took leftovers with her for lunch at work. Later she told me the food went bad, but as she had such a hunger, she ate it anyway. The way she told me wasn’t soliciting sympathy; there was an accusatory subtone of anger. I perceived the implication that I caused troubles for her, because I suggested to get the takeaway food. For context, it was her idea to take leftovers for lunch. I knew I wasn’t at fault, but I received her anger, which bothered me.