Never Enough

What has happened in the laundry incident? My Ex got triggered by the implied accusation that she did a mistake. Vulnerable narcissists are hypersensitive to criticism. The Nameless Narcissist explains it as follows:

We [the narcissists] rely on other people to define who we are, because we have no core identity. […] Because of our lack of emotional permanence, whatever criticism you gave, is all we are in the moment. We are only who we are [as a person] in what we’re doing in the exact moment that you say that [criticism]. If someone criticizes me or says something bad about me, it feels to me like it’s true and it makes me hate myself. Since we have a hard time understanding that people can hurt us on accident, we lash out in anger, because we think you’re trying to make us feel all this shame.
—Nameless Narcissist¹

Dr. Grande explains hypersensitivity to criticism of a vulnerable narcissistic wife as follows:

The wife appears to be shaken to her core when criticized by her husband. Sometimes this is a manipulation tactic, but often with vulnerable narcissism the pain is real. Criticism or failure leads to shame and disappointment in the wife to the point where she will question her own worth as a human being. This often has a rebound effect like a rubber band. The wife will question her self-worth, be despondent, full of shame. From that dark and painful place, which is a lonely place, rage starts to build. The shame and self-doubt are converted into anger directed at the husband. The wife wants to make the husband suffer as she suffers. The husband doesn’t suffer, because he made a criticism, he suffers because of the wife’s emotional reaction to criticism. From the husband’s perspective the reaction is disproportionate, way over the top, compared to his criticism. The wife has difficulty regulating emotions. Vulnerable narcissism is associated with regulatory deficits. These deficits lead to maladaptive strategies like arguing, yelling, manipulating, and aggression.
—Dr. Grande²

I believe that my Ex actually felt belittled. Her anger reaction was a genuine reflection of her emotional response. This is the predicament when dealing with a narcissist: they do feel horrible on the inside when they get triggered. They resort to toxic behaviors, like blame-shifting and guilt-tripping, to cope with their unbearable emotional state.

Ironically, narcissists are not just hypersensitive to criticism, but also hypercritical about others. If someone is unable to admit a mistake, they deflect by pointing out mistakes in other people’s behavior. If someone cannot endure guilt, they must put blame onto others. It’s important to bring into your mind that you, as the narcissist’s target, are not at fault. Even if you triggered a certain emotional response, you didn’t cause it–the cause is inside the narcissist. They are a victim to their own psyche and a perpetrator to you.

If you are or have been the victim of narcissistic abuse, you can be understanding of their dysregulation, you can be angry or forgiving, but you do not have to endure what the narcissist is doing to you. You are not to blame and you neither have the responsibility nor the ability to fix this problem that exists on their end.