Never Enough

Though we have been living like a couple, we hadn’t committed to being exclusive in our relationship yet. My Ex went quick to talk about marriage and having children together, which made sense to check the compatibility of our life goals. Wanting to marry early was understandable from her cultural background, in which it’s not acceptable for couples to live together before marriage. Even though her mindset was liberal, cultural norms learned since childhood certainly influenced her thinking. She asked me repeatedly for reassurance throughout our relationship.

My Ex’s wish was for me to ask her for commitment once I feel ready. I decided to ask her during Sweet Month, because I realized that we basically already were in a relationship by my cultural standard and that this was what I wanted. The first time I thought of asking her, she seemed aloof. She reminisced about our first date and said, amused: “You were dressed completely inappropriate. Another woman would have not dated you again.” This statement dumbfounded me, as it hit my fear of ending up alone. I got a tear in my eye, which surprised her. When she asked about what is wrong, I was ashamed admitting that she hurt me and instead made a vague statement about being worried about our future. She reacted with a reassuring statement. For context, she would later tell me that she admired the sweater that I wore on the first date. However, she didn’t like my jacket, and picked it to devaluate me. In the self-absorbed mind of a narcissist, it was an act of kindness to go out with me again, even though I was not flawless in her eyes. When I started dating again after our breakup, her condescending statement would pop up in my mind when I got dressed for a first date.

One week later I made another attempt and asked her to commit exclusively, stating that I want to be with her and marry her eventually. She was surprised, unsure and told me to ask her some time later again. Remember how she became angry at her ex-boyfriend for not wanting to commit while residing in different countries ("one month is enough to decide, take it or leave it"). We have been dating at this point for two months.

A few days later we went to a family celebration at my parents’ house for the first time together. She enjoyed it and told me on the way back in the car that she decided to commit to our relationship. It was a sober moment, not being able to hug while driving and without any words of appreciation for me or for our relationship. Sure, one would consider family ties, but her decision felt transactional. She liked the extended family that I would bring into the relationship. That’s because for a narcissist, relationships are transactional; the narcissist is not attracted to you as a person, they are attracted to what you can supply them with. The next morning, she told me that she likes my mother’s character more than mine and she would prefer if I was more like my mother. I perceived this as an invalidation of me as a person and replied sarcastically with: “thank you.”

Some time during Sweet Month, my Ex got upset about our relationship for no apparent reason. Her rant included: “We disagree on everything! We live like roommates, not like a couple! You didn’t even have an engagement ring for me!” I have no idea what caused her to become upset. It may have been an expression of an avoidant attachment style, feeling threatened by too much intimacy, combined with the narcissistic entitlement that she deserves better. I decided not to engage in a discussion in that situation. At other times, I have been less wise.