Never Enough

After a couple of weeks into dating, I considered myself in love. More accurately speaking: I got addicted to the highs and lows. Although I didn’t appreciate the lows, they contributed for me to develop an attachment, which would result in a trauma bond. As I learned later, I have an anxious attachment style. This is correlated with a fear of rejection and the drive to please people in order to win their sympathy. The setbacks, in which my Ex showed dissatisfaction, fired up my attachment system and motivated me to try harder. I confounded this emotional intensity with being in love. Her attention and affection were my rewards. I was willing to prove my worth. I believe my Ex has an avoidant attachment style. She acts cautiously, values her independence and needs a lot of reassurance before progressing to the next stage of a relationship.

The first stage of a narcissistic relationship is idealization. The narcissist puts you on a pedestal and projects their hopes and desires onto you. This stage is typically accompanied by love bombing. In our relationship, it didn’t feel like my Ex exercised love bombing. There have been signs of affection and admiration, but it didn’t seem out of proportion. Note however how my mindset was adjusted to love bomb her. She had impressed me by her intellect and looks, and I wanted to win her over. Dr. Ramani calls this behavior reverse love bombing: you shower the narcissist with love.¹ The cause is the same as with regular love bombing: an insecurity of the person who initiates the love bombing. For me, it stemmed from a childhood belief that I have to make myself useful to attract a great person like her, because I’m not lovable unconditionally.

From early on, my Ex disclosed her childhood trauma of abuse to me, though not yet in details. It seemed that her life was a series of rough patches and that she was disappointed many times. It made sense that she asked me repeatedly for reassurance. I would have to promise to be there for her, if we engaged in a committed relationship. It appealed to me, because I liked the idea of being the strong one, who supports her while we bind and grow together. I didn’t ask for promises in return. I was driven by high hopes.

Feeling pity was one key element to develop a trauma bond. Another one was guilt. Over time and whenever I triggered her, my Ex threw in anecdotal pieces of how she had been abused. The purpose was to draw a connection between her past abuse and my current behavior. I took it seriously and questioned myself: Have I wronged her? Have I been hurting her? Have I been abusive?

From today’s perspective, she had a mentality of victimhood that is typical for vulnerable narcissists. She sees herself as a person who is kind, diligent, compassionate and caring, but the world fails to appreciate her. All she’s looking for is peace and bliss, but she keeps running into people who are selfish, inconsiderate and mean.

My Ex made clear that she was looking for a kind and hard-working man. She emphasized this many times and compared her idea of a husband to her father, who she idolizes. I had to treat her right and to be that kind, warm-hearted man. It was a high standard. In fact, it was an unattainable standard. No matter what I tried, I would fail her at the end.