Never Enough

We agreed on a third date, where she would visit me. As we lived two and a half hours apart, she would stay overnight. I had put in quite some effort: I cleaned my whole apartment, reserved a table at a fancy Italian restaurant and planned a lavish breakfast for the next morning. I picked her up from the train station, she brought me a thoughtful gift and we went on a walk before going to the Italian restaurant. It was a romantic dinner, where we held hands. She complained that she didn’t like her meal and we told the waiter at the end.

Back at my place, we had a deep talk, during which I felt that we emotionally bonded. She shared some of her vulnerabilities with me and that she has a history of depression. I could relate to that and shared my personal experience with depression. I felt that we have a lot in common. I believed that we are both rationally motivated, we both missed out on long-term relationships and we both struggled with mental health at some point in life. In my imagination, we had a mutual understanding, so that we could both comfort and support each other. We seemed to be a perfect match.

Later at night, she didn’t feel comfortable in bed, because she felt too hot in the thick pajamas that she had brought. The next morning, we had a nice breakfast together and later I drove her to the train station. In the car, she conducted a review and it was harsh: she didn’t like the restaurant food, she didn’t feel comfortable at night, she doesn’t like how my bedroom is arranged. The way she said it was not just an expression of opinion, but a commanding, almost angry tone: “You don’t close the window blinds completely! You place the bed away from the wall so that there is an air current!” I felt devastated. Despite the effort that I had put it, it wasn’t enough.

This is an important telltale sign of our upcoming relationship dynamic. She would get upset and make demands. I would feel that I have to try harder to please her. Later, when we spoke on the phone, she said that she has been too harsh. She threw in breadcrumbs that kept me going. But no matter how much effort I would put in, it would never be enough. I would always end up feeling that I failed her. This is how a relationship with a covert, vulnerable narcissist feels like.